he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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