omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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