I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
