good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
smell my finger.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
