if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
