Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
