just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
