So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
