Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize
