Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
