I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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