**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
