this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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