After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
