my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
