Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
