My hand turned me down
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
