I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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