I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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