My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
