help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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