Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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