Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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