He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
