someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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