drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
