Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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