I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
