I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
