oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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