well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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