dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
