I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
