Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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