my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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