Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
from now on my penis is your penis
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
