I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
