I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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