got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
