then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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