Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
