I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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