she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
