Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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