I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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