i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
