@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
