the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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