Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
