He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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