Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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