so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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