He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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