Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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